February gets to me. Living in a northern climate, it always does. 11 months into lockdown, it weighs heavier this time around.
Winter wasn’t messing around this month. She even decided to set some records for daily snowfall and coldest maximum temperature. There were a few days I never left the house. There was a day I did leave the house but forgot my gloves and stupidly decided to not go back for them. In the short time it took me to scrape the ice from my car windows, my hands were in tremendous pain, seeming to burn with cold. I always remembered my gloves after that.
COVID, the snow, and the freeze made me feel trapped. To counter my unease, this month I focused on capturing moments of light—hoping for the physical rays of light to spark internal lightness.
During this trial, I thought of one of my favorite moments from the Lord of the Rings. Frodo and Sam are stumbling through Mordor, their energy and hope almost entirely squeezed out of them. There’s only a few lembas crumbs left. How could they possibly make it to the tower now, much less return home to the Shire? Unable to take a step further, they stop for the night. Frodo passes out immediately, but Sam forgoes sleep. Instead, he keeps watch over his master and notices something above them.
“There, peeping among the cloud-wrack above a dark tor high up in the mountains, Sam saw a white star twinkle for a while. The beauty of it smote his heart, as he looked up out of the forsaken land, and hope returned to him. For like a shaft, clear and cold, the thought pierced him that in the end the Shadow was only a small and passing thing: there was light and high beauty for ever beyond its reach.”
J.R.R. Tolkien, The Return of the King
In whatever darkness we find ourselves in—no matter how opaque, no matter how heavy— there’s something greater and better beyond it. I didn’t always believe that. I’m grateful for my change of faith.
My house is no Mordor, but when lockdown and winter shutters me inside, finding light and hope in the most mundane places is all the better. I will continue to do what I can to break through the darkness and seek light today and every day.
Film stock: Fujifilm Superia 400
My 2021 resolution: Film photos. Every month for 12 months.